My friends, they love my intelligence
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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