just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
