I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize