Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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