One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
