I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Two words: blizzard sex
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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