You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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