if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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