Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
