Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
stop calling my apartment porn island.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
