What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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