upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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