I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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