Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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