He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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