uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
