You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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