My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
