How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
