I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
