How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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