Will you blow on my dice?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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