You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
