hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you guys were way drunker than both of me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
