My cat gives me a boner
People with herpes should wear stickers.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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