He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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