I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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