Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize