are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What a dumb baby whore.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
