I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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