***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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