____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
he high fived his dick after we had sex
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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