Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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