he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize