I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
