Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
