I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
