You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Still dying that you shit outside
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
