I can text with my tongue
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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