so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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