How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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