He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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