HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
