and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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