I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
