I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize