Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
