Need sex. Gaining weight.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
