i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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