someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
