Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
