I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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