piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
