jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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