Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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