my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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