I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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