arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
