This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
How's work?
Spinning.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize