My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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