he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize