Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
How's work?
Spinning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
