No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize