Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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