Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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