you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
