Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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