I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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