like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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