I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
