Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
