Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
