I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
