even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
