You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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