so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
