ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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