You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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