She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
